Tips for Newcomers
to Atlanta, Georgia
This is for anyone who lives in Atlanta, Georgia, has ever
lived in Atlanta, has ever visited Atlanta, ever plans to visit
Atlanta, knows anyone who already lives in Atlanta, or
knows anyone who has ever heard of Atlanta.
Atlanta is composed mostly of one-way streets. The only
way to get out of downtown Atlanta is to turn around and
start over when you reach Greenville, South Carolina.
All directions start with, "Go down Peachtree" and include
the phrase, "When you see the Waffle House." Except that
in Cobb County, where all directions begin with........
"Go to the Big Chicken."
Peachtree Street has no beginning and
no end and is not to be confused with:
Peachtree Industrial Boulevard
Atlantans only know their way to work and their way
home. If you ask anyone for directions, they will always
send you down Peachtree.
Atlanta is the home of Coca-Cola. Coke's all we drink
here, so don't ask for any other soft drink unless it's
made by Coca-Cola.
The gates at Atlanta's Hartsfield International Airport
are about 32 miles away from the Main Concourse, so
wear sneakers and pack a lunch.
The 8am rush hour is from 6:30 to 10:30 AM. The 5pm rush
hour is from 3:00 to 7:30 PM. Friday's rush hour starts
Thursday afternoon and lasts through 2am Saturday.
Only a native can pronounce Ponce De Leon Avenue,
so do not attempt the Spanish pronunciation. People
will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you.
The Atlanta pronunciation is "pahntz duh LEE-awn."
And yes, it's true...we have a street named simply, "Boulevard."
Oh...if you see Houston Street, don't pronounce it as they do
in Texas! Here, the first syllable rhymes with "mouse." Oh yeah!
The falling of one raindrop causes all drivers to
immediately forget all traffic rules. If a single snowflake
falls, the city is paralyzed for three days and it's on all
the channels as a news flash every 15 minutes for a
week. Overnight, all grocery stores will be sold out of
milk, bread, bottled water, toilet paper, and beer.
I-285, the loop that encircles Atlanta, which has a
posted speed limit of 55 mph (but you have to
maintain 80 mph just to keep from getting run over),
is known to truckers as "The Watermelon 500."
Don't believe the directional markers on highways. I-285
is marked "East" and "West" but you may be going North
or South. The locals identify the direction by referring to
the "Inner Loop" and the "Outer Loop." If you travel on
Hwy 92 North, you will actually be going southeast.
Never buy a ladder or mattress in Atlanta. Just go to one of the
interstates and you will soon find one in the middle of the road.
The last thing you want to do is give another driver the
finger, unless your car is armored, your trigger finger is
itchy and your AK-47 has a full clip.
Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Georgia.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in
Georgia, plus a couple no one has seen before.
If it grows, it sticks. If it crawls, it bites. If you notice a vine
trying to wrap itself around your leg, you have about 20 seconds
to escape, before you are completely captured and covered
with Kudzu, another ill-advised "import," like the carp, taring,
English sparrow, and other "exotic wonders."
It's not a shopping cart, it's a buggy. "Fixinto" is one word
as in "I'm fixinto go to the store".
Sweet Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it
when you're 2 years old. You have to ask for tea without sugar.
"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"
If you understand these jokes, forward them to your friends
from Atlanta, Georgia and those who just wish they were.
Lordy, I love Jawja.